hiatus

hello there loyal reader!
I've decided to take a blogging holiday - though the ad industry doesn't deserve it - but I'll be back for a Christmas Special, sometime around mid-December.
Thanks for all your support and upstaging! The comments sections have been much wittier and more insightful than the posts. Please let me know if you have your own blogs - the world will be a brighter place with them.
In the meantime, is it just me or is there heaps of good street art around at the moment?
Love
JEM

comms experts

No social commentary this time; just a piece of pure, unadulterated pedantry (my favourite kind). Spot the visual mistake:


So the X marks the spot where you "cut out" your home phone... to reveal the home phone cord?

Shouldn't that have disappeared with the rest of the phone?
Whooo, with that last grainy pic I feel like a UFO spotter. It's there! Really it is! A redundant anachronism!

don't fall for it

One question for this billboard: Why?


Why does it take a strong character to wear purple everyday? Why is purple is not yet the new black? (Indigo's close enough surely?)
"Ha ha!" growls the billboard in munterish, deep Hauraki FM dj tones, "people might think you're a poofter, mate."
Classic. Makes me wanna buy your product.
This is guy-to-guy talk, given that purple is an acceptable colour to wear if you're female. So the coffee is male, apparently, and so are you, the billboard viewer. And yet....

That last one says "squeeze me and I'll blow you a kiss!"
Uh, I think I'll pass...
Ps: mauvember not movember! (such glowing ashes would be quite pretty wouldn't they?)

you saw a banana?! split!

This is not technically a billboard, but it was on the back of my bus ticket, so it *is* an image I saw on my way home: Ew, what bad taste fruit! (geddit?) As running away screaming "don't get fresh with us!" (geddit?) doesn't really shout "attitude", I take it the tag line is referring to Mr Banana.
So they want us to buy their products because they're made with dirty old man bananas?
Funnily enough, I have no appetite no more.
Though I guess it is a *flasher* banana (geddit?).

masterpiece

This is soooo bad that I'm in a fluster of angry delight!
A fourth form (year 10) creative writing class has taken over the marketing department of our National Museum:

"OMG" the class clowns said to each other (or whatever it is the kids say these days to express wide-eyed wonderment) "the wikipedia page on Picasso reckons people had sex before 1990! Well, it reckons he did, at least. That must be why he's so famous. This is newsworthy - let's mangle a few synonyms together into a really long sentence."
And so they looked up Roget’s thesaurus google and found that 'many', 'several' and 'prolific' were sort of related, as were 'interesting', 'revolutionary' and 'sensation'; also 'art' and 'work'.
Uh, kids:
1. Picasso was prolific; not his art nor his relationships.
2. How many works of art does a relationship need to equal, for Picasso to have been as prolific a relationship producer as he was an artist? 50 paintings for every lover? A painting a kiss? Are we counting sketches here? What about one night stands?
3. The first half of the sentence is only grammatical as a reversal of the phrase "His relationships with his many lovers and several wives were as interesting...". What you actually meant, I expect, was something different: "As he had many lovers and several wives, his relationships were as interesting..."
4. Why, if his relationships were as interesting as his art, was it the art that created the real sensation?
5. How can something non-revolutionary be as interesting as something revolutionary AND real-sensation-creating?
6. Does a New Zealand audience really need a generalised gloss reminding us that this guy was a real arsehole of a ladies man before they'll go see a picture by Picasso?

abuse of seuss

Argh! The bank robots have kidnapped the good doctor and are using his recipes for our favourite childhood candy to lure us into their clutches:

They cannot completely hide their nefarious doings. The backdrop looks like the distopia left behind by rampant capitalist Lorax - who also controls the bank robots!
Dr Seuss once wrote a verse that went: “Mrs Van Bleck of the Newport Van Blecks/is so goddam rich she has gold-plated sex”.
I dare you to go and ask for one loan "for GPS please".
Well, they are wanting to take you places.

morning glory

I once got kicked out of a flat for being too happy in the mornings. How insufferable I was in my salad days!
Now, of course, part of the problem of forgetting (gasp!) to put up this post last night is that it's morning-cotton-wool-head gal writing to you, not night-owl gal.
Coincidentally, this ad is all about mornings:

As with employment law, the devil writes the fine print:

Insufferable milk!? That clash and the doors slamming was Anchor getting kicked out of our flat.

ambiguity

Let's talk about the thing that everybody thinks about but nobody talks about, society's dirty little secret, yes of course what I'm talking about (as if I need to spell it out) is: apathy.
I always thought apathy was bad, and action good. But then I went to a seminar where a student showed us pictures of bored, unsmiling models which mesmerised us into thinking that while high fashion capitalism was glamourising apathy, if we took the message to heart and started being as apathetic as possible, we would stop buying stuff and capitalism would collapse.

So is the answer anti-apathy or action-antipathy? Is it ambivalence? To paraphrase The Simpsons: Are we being ironic? I don't know anymore...

It isn't doing a very good job then.
After walking past the second sign at the top of Albert Park, I got hungry and walked down to the Korean place on Lorne St for a sweet $2 pancake. (Is the road to hell paved with apathy or good intentions?)
And what should I see but this:

The small writing says: "The simplest solution to everything is apathy".
It's true. But ousting Paul Henry and installing Len Brown is far more satisfying.

common as bliss

Art on the street? Whoever heard of such a thing?


While the afterlife isn't a theme which inspires me personally (everyone knows it's candyfloss clouds), the idea of an artist exhibiting street posters is so revolutionary - even though it should be common-as-muck - that I am overwhelmed with gratitude.
ka\jf ljrg/lz.zmvl/x.dmv
that was me swooning all over the keyboard.

officer zombie

So here's a bit of a self-challenge for moi... why did I find that military ad more offensive than I find this?:

Ok, so police don't kill people (unless said people are speeding and nobody does that do they) but the premise is the same: We've got this really important job where we need responsible, mature cool heads. Hey, kids, come do it - not because it's important but because it's exciting!
So yeah, that's problematic.
On a side note... hey new cop! Your first job is to find out who made this awful mess...


I don't think your brick zombie mate saw who did it...

in a barbie world

Hoo, banks ads are the gifts that just keep giving. Until I started this blog, I didn't realise just how generous they were. Exhibit # 857:


I once thought about doing an excel spreadsheet course, so let's see if I can figure out the bank's equations:
where "grown up" = responsible: grown up (female child) = bad (reality) and grown up (male child) = good (fantasy).
So in the parents' ideal fantasy, their daughters would be infantile dependents!
Wait -have I got the wrong *financial product*?
Hmm, where "grown up" = having sexy times, grown up (female child) = bad (reality) and grown up (male child) = good (fantasy).
So in the parents' ideal fantasy, their sons would be having sex!
Urgh. ANZ!! How could you! Keep your filthy Oedipal minds to yourselves!
Yeah, stop reminding me, stalkers.

desperado

He's made a career out of being provocative (NSFW), but is this really the attention and the clientele he wants?

Calvin Klein. Garments of choice for the pack rapist about town.

rhema in drag

For once, I have no few words. Someone else has already done the commentary:

Did you see what it says there?

Man, that's a pro job! See how well that "a" is lined up, and the font is near-perfect. Whoever you are, you are my Hero! You deserve a Parade!
The only possible problem is that it now sounds attractive - a men's event full of "gays", whoop whoop.
In other news, Radio Rhema might lose its commercial frequencies.
PS was I the only child who thought of 'Ribena' when I heard 'Radio Rhema'? I never liked blackcurrants.

wake me when the colonial project ends

Good news everybody! We can stop worrying about Africa; they're 100% joy, 100% party over there, according to this poster, and that's all we ever need to know.


Of course it's the "circus of the senses". We already know from classic colonial literature that non-white natives are exotically sensual rather than rational.
Note that for your entertainment, the "i" in "Africa" is actually a silhouetted savage with a large butt and a primitive weapon.
Expand your cultural awareness - go to what looks like a modern follow-up to the black minstrel show.

where do I get me one of those face masks?

Whoa! I'm so excited! It's not everyday the marketing for a "Grammy-winning, Platinum-selling [sic]" band specifically targets me and my punctuation pedants demographic.
For there is no way this will appeal to anybody but us steely-eyed grammar nerds:

Looks like we got ourselves one of those *intellectual* bands - showing the mettle of their metal to become a geek crossover hit. After all, they did name one of their songs "Wherein Lies Continue" - I'm not sure if that's grammatically sound, or what it means, but it sure does sound brainy.

As for the poster, they must of been inspired by this t-shirt. And the DVD they're selling must tell the moving story of how the Loch Ness monster swims to France, frenchifies his name, and produces a whole brood of .... Nesses.

chick nibbles

Proof that this blog not only has an international audience, but also an international photography team! Here's a picture all the way from Townsville, Australia (translation: Towns Town, Australia), snapped by Ian, International Man of Mystery:

Photo credit: I,IMM

Hee, the turkey leg looks like it's nuzzling her, er, white meat. Is it a vampire turkey leg, nibbling at her jungular? I hear vampires are all the rage these days.
Ian and I once attended a school camp on Motutapu Island which featured live turkeys. There is no reason this delicious delicacy - and its advertising - should be denied us here in Auckland!
Thanks Ian.

Reservoir Banks

So. Banks. No, not that one, these ones:



And because recyling is a good thing to do, you'll remember this one from waay back in the early days of this blog:


And then there's BNZ and Westpac.
Now. Scroll back up again and carefully examine all items. Can you spot the difference?
No, neither can I. Obviously one can create a bank ad in three easy steps: 1. Words, 2. blank background, 3. logo/picture bottom right hand corner. Voila!
I can think of three explanations:
1. They are actually all operated by the same shady outfit, and are known to each other by their colours - Mr Seabreeze Cyan, Mr Eco Green, Mr Burnt Custard Yellow. Just like in Reservoir Dogs.
2. Some wise guy who has a beer fridge at work and goes to Showgirls at lunchtime (ie, works in the ad industry) has sold them all the same do-it-yourself Adshop2000 software kit for $$$$.
3. A different ad agency has laboured over every inch of each handcrafted ad to show the individuality and true personality of each bank: "The text will be left-justified to impress upon the reader that this has been typed by a real person, someone just like them..." "The font will be slimline, sans-serif ("calibri") in white, to impart to the viewer that we are not a bank to bowl them over with heavy-handedness..."

I despair of the dearth of creativity in a society in which (3) is most likely.

So. These things above belong together, these things are kind of the same. But one of these things just doesn't belong here:

Actually, it looks too similar, don't you think? You could easily pass this and not read it because it looks like it's for, not against, the ANZ.
Also, I'm sure finsec actually means that even in an imperfect world, banks would pay their staff properly.
Still, pleasing to see a poster campaign from a union against a particular issue! I don't remember seeing that before.
Still, a pity that it's necessary.
Still! and extremely happily, finsec announced today (15 Sept - the dates on my blog are some overseas time) that their campaign "for a different and better offer from ANZ National" has worked! Congratulations!
PS, don't forget that all the banks here save Kiwibank have been investigated for tax non-payment.
PS2, OMG do not type in 'Banks' into google images unless you want pix of Miss Tyra!

interlude

A photographer with any skillz whatsover (ie, not me) could make this look fantastically dramatic I reckon.

The graffiti throw-up is in the empty void where there used to be a water reservoir at the top of Symonds St. The church behind it is on Khyber Pass.
I like the contrast between the prim (yet unusually coloured) church and the energetic writing. But this tableau, which I've passed numerous times, also reminds me that both religion and "tagging" have something in common: they're both easy targets at the moment. Religion is portrayed as the butt of cheap jokes (at best) rather than a phenomenon worth explaining; tagging (which the piece above isn't really an example of) can get you killed.
Maybe the world is divided into two types of people: those who think tagging is worse than religion and those who think religion is worse than tagging...

neighbour from hell

Oh look, there's good ol' Stacy Jones again.


But wait who's that behind him?


Why, it's a family in financial distress, asking people to donate to the Auckland City Mission.
If you get really close you can hear the mum say, "sorry darling, all our other furniture has been repossessed to pay the loan sharks.
"If you keep eating, we will have to join Auckland's homeless and will get disappeared by the council so as not to upset Rugby World Cup fans."
In an NZ exclusive I can reveal this is not the first blog post about this ad! No - it's featured on this Russian website. And thanks to my Latvian flatmate, I can reveal that the Russians were interested in the fact the ad started out featuring furniture which "crumbled" away, by design.
Which was disappointingly mundane after I went to the trouble to secure a Latvian flatmate and all. Surely it could have involved a conspiracy about Russian spies ending up at the City Mish in the hope the food there would poison them or something. (Disclaimer: I have never eaten at the Mission but I'm sure the counterspy ring would have had their hopes dashed!)
In another aside, Stacy here is pretty much opposite the Baycorp building...

Makes me... udder

Mad About Ads had a field excursion to Waihi for the weekend!
So, this is my favourite sign in the Hauraki Plains, outside the vets at Ngatea.
While the thermometer "in" the beast's mouth is at a rather problematic angle for the purposes of temperature taking or gravity assuring, this picture is really what the fug girls would call a "scroll down":


Yikes! I know they're more earthy and used to the facts of life in the country... this full frontal disturbs me more than ye olde MADGE campaign (NSFW). It's like fetish crutches for cows. Maybe it calms the bulls on their way to the meat works.

what, me di?

I once tried to do a free meditation course at uni but we were supposed to breathe in love and breathe out peace, and that turned out to be beyond me. Who knew?
But here's a meditation programme maybe even moi could concentrate on:

On second thoughts, the only clients they're going to attract are landmark forum egotists.
But I like the word-within-the-word play though, very UK 2006. Nearly reaches the heights (geddit?) of Inverness:Alternatives:
All about Meditation - improve your Italian, Greek and Libyan cooking via meditation.
All about Meditation - for those who still hold the Queen of Hearts dear.
All about Meditation - for those who think of "emotion" as E in motion, where E = energy
All about Meditation - how to produce fancies, devices and conceits from the comfort of your own castle.
All about Meditation - what ever you want "it" to be

Jaws

Stacy Jones! Why you got to follow in Jay Laga'aia's footsteps by using your loveable, trustworthy, brown visage to front for the money men?


According to this Campbell Live video IF's profits have trebled and the loan shark's lending has gone up by almost 20% since the warrior-hero started being their pin-up boy.
One of TV3's planted examples is a woman who wants a $700 loan for school uniforms; Instant Finance quotes her an interest rate of 29.9% pa - and a fee of $415.
They also soundbite an industry guy saying that companies like IF expect their clients to default - in fact, they're set up for it; they get more money.
Stacy's fluorescent fat lip is my artistic rendition of what happens to the company's clients, in a metaphorical way.
Jones - Leave Jay... follow the shining example of Mike King!

and they put a spice girls song in my head

In a disturbing new development in the footpath wars, an electricity company is trying to grab your feet with its hands: They've pooped these mouse pads all over the place. Is this really going to work?
Or are they just going to be the boy who cried wolf, in sheep's clothing, so to speak. Are people going to be annoyed they stopped to read this sign because it made them miss their bus and their boss Barry doesn't take shite public transport as an excuse for lateness any more, what with the new b-line and all, so that next time they see a danger sign they will ignore it thinking it's just another crappy Contact attempt to make contact, and this time they'll be driving their car, which then crashes through the barrier at the end of the dead-end road and falls off a cliff?
Tragedy. Luckily, it won't happen, at least not at the top end of Mt Eden road, because in Contact's defence these illegal litterings are more easily removed than stencilling.

boxed in

To put on my beret and stroke my goatee for a moment, there's a great quote from French novelist Andre Gide that goes something like: "To be loved is nothing. What I desire is to be preferred."
Ie, he wants to be loved most.

1. Musicals
2. The sense of Schopenhauerian relief I get just after meeting a deadline
3. The word 'squelch'
Can I get those wrapped in the blue sparkly paper?

Anyway, no thank you, State, I outrageously prefer not to squander my love on stuff, but keep it for people.

sub editors: poets and they know it

Black is back!
Plus fatal shark attack!
Equals widows weeds for someone on crack!
Somewhere close-by is a happy hardbitten hack!

haiku
The blood of death pools
at your feet as you model
black for "viva": life.

don't say they didn't warn you

University Omnibus Part II: So apparently, really big institutions always have to deal with a certain level of financial fraud.
It doesn't excuse this, however:

The red bit says: Your call can make a difference... As staff of The University of Auckland we are committed to protecting the reputation of our University. If you suspect a staff member is defrauding the University, or is engaging in unethical behaviour, please make a good call. Contact KPMG Fair Call [....] Our independent experts will provide you with support."

Hi there KPMG independent experts? I made a successful pass at my lecturer but she didn't pass me!
Hello KPMG, the philosophy dept here. Whose ethics manifesto are you following - Hobbes? Peter Singer?
Hello KPMG, Peter Singer here. Someone ate a meat pie.
Hi KPags. My tutor photocopied his butt using the department printing account.
Hello KPMG, somebody stole Barbara Kruger's colour scheme to make your posters which stand for everything she's against.

In what seems an effort to stir up the widest possible anti-collegial feeling, there has been a blanket campaign including letters sent out to staff (presumably all staff as lowly non-finance-entrusted tutors were included) along with these Pyramids of Prohibition, these Triangles of Trouble, these Points of Contention:
One side says "turn off your computer", the second says "don't smoke", and the third says "if you don't comply you'll get dobbed in".

Hello KPMG? when did the "critic and conscience of society" join you guys on the other side?

beauty and the brute

The science building is arguably the University of Auckland Building Most Likely to Harbour a Communist Bloc Dictator, uglier even than the engineering one.
And you see some weird things sticking out of it sometimes - tubes at awkward angles, first year chemistry students etc - for important experiments that Arts students like myself couldn't begin to understand.
But wait - what's this?

That's not an alum crystal, it's a baroque, fripperied, fol-de-rolled and curlicued chandelier! It's ruining the brutalist lines and transforming the building from an imposing behemoth in its own right to merely a contrasting backdrop for prettiness. Huzzah!

Twenty metres further down the road, outside the Information Commons, students go about their business in ignorance of such annexation and colonisation of the Science podium by frothy aesthetics:

But wait - again, what's that?! A battle seems about to begin:

More chemistry fume induced hallucinations? Maybe one of the armies wants to cover the stone wall with some lacy fretwork to go with the chandelier. One can only hope!

introducing... boiled veg?

Shout-outs to my girl Donna, who grew up in Roskill South and went to May Road Primary School. You can now move back from overseas and never have to leave home again!


The hood must be weeping with relief that it's getting a supermarket to spread the good news about new flavas and teach everyone how to make tasty food, finally.
The goat flaps and taro, plantains and barfi from the Dominion Rd shops around the corner have always been sooooo banal.
And let's face it, the infinite flavours at Spice Invaders down Stoddard Road are pretty much all from the old-world.

razor sharp

Congratulations The Edge!

These two Edgy characters seem made for each other.

Lost souls with no personality or judgement of their own, looking to the herd to think for them. They'll bond over their love of Nickelback.
You know your audience extremely well.
Your honesty in letting the rest of us know what they're really like is commendable.